Dumbledore is gay

from AP

NEW YORK - Harry Potter fans, the rumors are true: Albus Dumbledore, master wizard and Headmaster of Hogwarts, is gay. J.K. Rowling, author of the mega-selling fantasy series that ended last summer, outed the beloved character Friday night while appearing before a full house at Carnegie Hall.

After reading briefly from the final book, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," she took questions from audience members.

She was asked by one young fan whether Dumbledore finds "true love."

"Dumbledore is gay," the author responded to gasps and applause.

She then explained that Dumbledore was smitten with rival Gellert Grindelwald, whom he defeated long ago in a battle between good and bad wizards. "Falling in love can blind us to an extent," Rowling said of Dumbledore's feelings, adding that Dumbledore was "horribly, terribly let down."

Dumbledore's love, she observed, was his "great tragedy."

"Oh, my god," Rowling concluded with a laugh, "the fan fiction."

Potter readers on fan sites and elsewhere on the Internet have speculated on the sexuality of Dumbledore, noting that he has no close relationship with women and a mysterious, troubled past. And explicit scenes with Dumbledore already have appeared in fan fiction.

Rowling told the audience that while working on the planned sixth Potter film, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," she spotted a reference in the script to a girl who once was of interest to Dumbledore. A note was duly passed to director David Yates, revealing the truth about her character.

Rowling, finishing a brief "Open Book Tour" of the United States, her first tour here since 2000, also said that she regarded her Potter books as a "prolonged argument for tolerance" and urged her fans to "question authority."

Not everyone likes her work, Rowling said, likely referring to Christian groups that have alleged the books promote witchcraft. Her news about Dumbledore, she said, will give them one more reason.

Man sues God; is smited

Taken from Uncyclopedia.org

Disclaimer: Don't take this news seriously guys! Read on and have yourselves a laugh

In a bizarre hiccup of the justice system yesterday, John Castman of Lincoln, Nebraska has decided to file an official lawsuit against the Almighty Creator Himself, God. The claim is that God answers prayers, which means he is bound by a nonlegal contract to fulfill them. Therefore, when John prayed for $300,000 one day, God should have paid him the money, working through either natural or supernatural means. The prosecution claims that, since God failed to deliver that sum of money, John is entitled to at least that much, and perhaps more for the personal anguish that not having $300,000 has caused John, a multi-millionaire.

The defense, meanwhile, has other plans. From this world, they intend to subpoena experts on bible analysis, high-ranking Bishops, and even a handful of people that died for a few seconds and "saw the light" as character analysts for the deity. Defense attorney Earl Preston's main argument is based on the popular "what would Jesus do?" expression. He states that, since Jesus would do basically what God would do, and the bible constantly states that Jesus hates rich people, that God could not grant a rich man $300,000 without contradicting Himself and losing credibility.

But, Preston also intends to subpoena more witnesses, including those that inhabit the afterlife. Witnesses such as the Archangels Gabriel and Michael, as well as Jesus and God himself will all be called to the stand to have their say. This, however, poses a minor issue: How does one subpoena God? Many theories have been suggested, and most have involved killing someone. "We just get a really old guy, or some suicidal emo kid, and give them our message, with instructions to give it to God," says Preston. This however, poses the issue of whether the dead person will even go to heaven, or just to Hell. Other ideas include burning the subpoena, and letting the smoke float up to God in heaven, clearly suggested by someone with absolutely no grasp of just how high heaven is.

There was also the question raised of exactly which God it was that Castman was praying to. He was nonreligious, but prayed in traditional Christian style, so many assumed that it was the "real" God that he was asking for money. Still, Castman may have left himself open to attacks from the defense on this particular issue. However, he justifies his own actions very clearly. "Well, the Christian and Jewish Gods are basically the same guy, and you can't even mention Allah these days without pissing off an entire Islamic country. Frankly, I just don't wanna mess with those guys."

As the attorneys prepare their court cases, numerous protest groups prepare their protesting. Groups including the Atheists claim that, since there is no God, there can be no court case. Unfortunately, their status as atheists causes them to be almost completely ignored by the rest of the world.

As of right now, nobody has mentioned the Constitutional Law of "Separation of Church and State."

God's Publicist, Pope Benedict XVI, has stated that God is unsure that He can attend the court proceedings. "It's been a while since He's been in the world of the living," said the Pope. "He kinda avoids it since all that stuff you guys did to His Son. Seriously, what's wrong with you guys?" Despite numerous attempts, God did not return any of our phone calls and was therefore unavailable for comment. According to Benedict, "He was busy wiring up a few lightning bolts. Apparently, there was someone named Castman he had to smite."

John Castman is currently in critical condition after a lightning strike, which apparently occurred around noon on a sunny day. At this time, nobody is sure exactly how this will affect court proceedings.

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is supposedly an actual question given
on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The
answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet,
which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it.

Bonus Question: Is Hell Exothermic (gives off heat) or
Endoth ermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats
when it is compressed) or some variant. One student,
however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which
souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the different Religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to mor e than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me
by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a
cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last
night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure
that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only
Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being
which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"